I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
