Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
