I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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