I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
