Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
