while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
