I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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