Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
