dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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