He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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