I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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