Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
