just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Randomize
