I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
