There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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