Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
ok first of all what the fuck
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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