I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
