He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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