I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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