All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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