I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
