You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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