eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
the condom got lost in my hair
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
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