You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize