wrigley field is MILF paradise
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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