i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
