Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
