i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
