i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
