bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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