My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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