I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I puked a lego.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
