exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
