i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
