she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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