I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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