You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
