Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
