Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
