I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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