I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
