Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
