I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
