just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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