I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
