My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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