As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
