Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
