whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
