she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
