I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She tied me up with her honor cords...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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