I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
