Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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