The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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