I CAN MOONWALK!
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
