Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
