I accidentally had phone sex last night
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
