When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
