How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
