Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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