Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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