Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
