i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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