I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
