Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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