tell your sister to shave her snatch
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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