I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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