maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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