I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
