i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You dont lie about slip and slides
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
