I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I intend to get homeless drunk
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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